I Won't Say I'm In Love
by shounenai4life
Summary: Sasuke's favorite obsession has always been Naruto. He's so stubborn, that even through their years together, the years he spends falling harder and harder, he refuses to admit it. Unless circumstances allow... Sasu/Naru. One shot. Shonenai.


Its not that I was in love with him or anything nearly serious as that. I just was as deeply infatuated and obsessed and adoring of one boy as another boy could get. Wanting to do his every whim just to make him happy or making a complete fool of myself just to see him smile was not the definition of love.

Ever since me and Naruto had started college together we'd been roommates. Always. I loved rooming with him. I swear when I woke up the room was brighter because he was there, fast asleep on his bed and looking so damn adorable with his mouth open just a little bit as he breathed in and out. Infatuation, but not love.

He was fragile, and needed me almost every step of his life, from reaching something too high on a shelf in the library to comforting him when he'd been dumped.

I loved when he cried and it wasn't because I was evil or anything like that, but Naruto crying is like Naruto getting drunk. He'll let me do almost anything to him. I take the opportunity to hold him close against my chest, possibly kiss his cheek, stroke him, whatever aching want that pops into my head. Repressed feelings are hard to hide, and after wanting to touch him for so long it's an immense relief to feel his skin against mine. I'm such a bad boy.

Its not that I find him attractive, I mean, that would be pretty gay to find your best friend attractive. It's just that I think he's more beautiful than any other person I'd ever seen, and when he walks into a room my heart starts pounding and I literally can't take my eyes off of him.

We do everything together and I love spending every minute with him. Whenever we're studying, I find myself just staring into his electric blue eyes for as long as I can before he looks up. He gets this look on his face, the 'studious' look, while he's working and I adore it. His brows furrow, and his hair falls into his face as his head lowers and looks like he's coming straight out of an ad that was made to get you hard.

It was in our second year that he realized he wasn't exactly 'straight.' It was at about 4am that he woke me up, his small hands clasping my arm so gently I could hardly feel it. Naruto was always so gentle.

_"Sasuke." Naruto whispered. I opened my eyes. _

"_What's up?" I think I sounded too eager, but having a totally hot boy hovering over me with his shirt almost completely unbuttoned, and one that I was infatuated in with at that, when I was gay, and it was late at night with all the lights out, and I was completely horney, would generally make me excited. _

_"I think I'm gay."_

"_What?" I jumped out of the bed and grabbed Naruto's arms. That was the best news that I'd heard since…well, ever. It was like I was a step closer to who I'd always wanted because of this. But…it wasn't like I loved him or anything._

_"Why? I mean, is there someone you…you're into or something?" I asked, trying to act natural. _

"_No. I just don't like girls anymore." Naruto said looking at the ground._

"_But how do you know if you like guys?" I asked curiously, letting go of his arms._

_"I don't know. How do you know?" he asked back._

"_Well you've kissed girls, but you've never kissed a guy have you?" I said carefully. Oh I was such a bad guy, wanting to take advantage of him like this. Yeah I wanted to kiss him, so badly I wanted to kiss him. But I shouldn't be trying to move in on him when he obviously is troubled. _

_Naruto's eyes widened. "I haven't." he said. Then, as all records show, he kissed me, pressed his lips to mine and not the other way around. It felt so good, his fingers in my hair, playing with the silky locks. _

_I kissed back, but only for the sake of science, and the good feeling that flooded me had to do with the fact that I was being kissed, not being kissed by Naruto. _

_He pulled back and looked worried. "I'm gay." He whispered, pulling me back down and kissing me again. _

That had been amazing, but he hadn't said anything about it the next day, or any other day so I had taken it that he hadn't found it all that important that I was the one to help him find out his true self. It was ok. I was just glad to help. I was always glad to help, just to be close to him. I was pitiful and I knew it.

I remember when he came back to our room after he'd broken up with his first boyfriend drunk as hell. He'd opened the door, and as if he'd wanted to light me up straight to my groins, he'd shut it behind him and run his fingers under his own shirt, letting out one of the longest, most sensual sounds I'd ever heard. He had moaned my name.

_My _name, not anyone else's, not some random movie star, not even his old boyfriends. Mine. He'd then walked towards me and proceeded to get me as rock hard as possible by straddling my waist and starting to unzip my pants. Did I mention how wild college was?

I couldn't think of any logical reason to fight back, I really couldn't. so I let him kiss me and take all my clothes of. I even got extra nice and returned the favor. By the sounds he made, I could tell he was happy about it.

We'd played around in the sheets a bit, and if my stupid assed conscience hadn't bugged me, I would've screwed him silly. But no, of course it had to pop up right then and remind me how wrong it was to take advantage of my best friend. Like I didn't know. I half hoped for Naruto to jump up and rape me or something, but once I stopped, he just gazed at me with this really sad look on his face and started crying.

"What am I doing with my life?" he'd whispered into my ear, as I rocked him back and forth. My heart had melted and I'd been pretty glad I hadn't done anything to him after all. He would've hated me in the morning.

Being close to him that night had been amazing, I'd gotten to hold him and kiss his tears away the entire time, which of course was my ultimate fantasy.

It had felt like a big one step forward and two steps back after that, when Naruto told me that he was heading back to girls and was currently dating one. I played it cool of course, repeating to myself that I didn't love him and didn't want him, as I crushed the coco-cola bottle that conveniently looked like her head. Cindy, or Mindy or Lucy or something was her name. It didn't matter.

Naruto looked like a god and she looked like a shriveled up plant when they stood side by side. I didn't know what he saw in her…

…Obviously a lot, because in out senior year, he asked her to marry him and the little slut said yes. I was all smiles and tears…mostly tears when he told me. The smile on his face said it all. He was happy. Wasn't that what I'd always wanted?

They got married as soon as we finished our last year and it crushed me. I remember getting drunk at the bachelors party, at the wedding party and at the going away party. It was all I could do not to go mad and run up to him, shoving Cindy, Mindy, Lucy away for the alter and taking my baby for myself. I felt pathetic.

Until they got divorced. He'd come to _me_, to _my_ apartment, knocked at _my_ door from out in the rain begging for _my_ comfort, _my_ love. The marriage hadn't even lasted 6 months.

And now he was here, sitting on my couch with my towel around his wet shoulders. I would never wash it again.

"Sasuke, can you believe it? She said I wasn't right for her. She said that it felt like she wasn't good enough for me, or couldn't handle me or something." He mumbled, lowering his head.

I could feel a smile spreading across my face and fought it back into the depths it had been hiding in for the last year, ever since he'd announced he was straight again. "Well you are a tough cookie." I tried saying softly.

"You could always handle me." Naruto said, looking up at me. I couldn't help thinking how beautiful he was with tears in his eyes. "I'm not exactly normal." I smiled, handing him a beer. He drank it in one swing, his eyes dull. "All I've ever wanted was love. I thought this was it."

My heart was galloping and I thought of all the times I'd let him go. This was my shot and I wasn't going to lose it. Without thinking, I kissed him. His eyes widened, then shut as his lips fitted mine. He knew I wasn't drunk and he wasn't either, and I wouldn't be dropping this in the morning either. I wasn't letting him go. This was it.

He pulled back. "I knew it was you." He whispered, standing up from the couch. "It was always you I loved, I just told myself I didn't because I _couldn't_, because you didn't love me back."

I smile. After all that, he did love me. He wanted me the same way I wanted him. I mean ummm…

'…Ah, whatever, I'll cut the crap.' I think, as I kiss his lips again, kiss my sweetheart, the only person I've really ever cared for. 'If he can admit it I can't deny him.'

So we ended up living together, and 'getting joined' ,or whatever they said for gay marriage (all I knew was we both had rings and no one else could have him), and we sleep together in both senses and I don't feel like I'm using him.

'So it really isn't like I'm in love with him.' I think, stroking back my _husband's_ hair as he sleeps. 'Or that I'm gay or anything like that. He's just my soul mate, my heartbeat, the thing that makes my blood run both hot and cold, the only person that ever mattered. I look at him, and he's fast asleep in my arms. I look around and there's no one within hearing vicinity. So I can admit it, not deny it, just maybe this once. "I love you." I whisper into his sleeping ear. it sends a tingle down my spine and he smiles to finally hear it, even in his sleep.

Its not that I love him… at least, not when anyone's around.


End file.
